Home > Health and wellness > Penis Owner’s Manual (Part I)

Penis Owner’s Manual (Part I)

INTRODUCTION

Welcome to the world-wide family of penis owners. We trust that you will enjoy many years of trouble-free service from yours. To help ensure that you will, we encourage you to familiarise yourself with the following equipment deions, operating instructions and maintenance requirements.

BODY AND INTERIOR SPECIFICATIONS (all model years)

PENIS

Average length and diameter (flaccid) – 3.5 x 1.25 inches

Average length and diameter (erect) – 5.1 x 1.6 inches

Average percent increase in volume, flaccid to erect – 300% (wow!)

Longest medically recorded erection – 12 inches

Amount of blood in erect penis – 8 to 10 x normal

Average erections per night (while sleeping) – 5

Average duration of each nocturnal erection – 20 to 30 minutes

Estimated replacement value (good condition model) – $50,000

CAUTION! The following can shrink a relaxed penis by two inches or more:-
Cold weather, chilly baths or showers, sexual activity, exhaustion, excitement (non sexual), illness and Richard Branson.

TESTICLES

Average length and width- 1.4 x 1 inch

Average weight – 0.875 x 1.75 ounces

Temperature – 94.6 degrees Fahrenheit

Compartments within each SPERM – 400 

Average body’s production – 50,000 per minute/72 million per day (and remember lads, it only takes 1!)

Days to maturity – 84

Number in ejaculate of average fertile man – 200 to 600 million

Number of ejaculate of infertile man – less than 50 million

Percentage of total ejaculate – 3%

Average swimming speed – 1 to 4 millimetres per minute

Average life span once mature – 1 month in you, 1 to 2 days in woman, 2 minutes on sheets

CAUTION! The testicles need to be slightly cooler than normal body temperature for optimum sperm production. That’s why they hang away from the body. Hot baths and tight underwear can depress sperm count and movement.

SEMEN

Average volume of ejaculate- 0.5 to 1 teaspoon

Chief ingredient – Fructose sugar

Caloric content – 5 calories per teaspoon

Protein content – 6 milligrams per teaspoon

Average number of ejaculatory spurts – 3 to 10

Average interval of ejaculatory contractions – 0.8 seconds

Farthest medically recorded ejaculation BLADDER – 11.7 inches 

Average capacity – 7 to 13 ounces

Normal flow – 7 to 8 ounces per 10 seconds

OPERATING INSTRUCTIONS

  1. DIRECT THE FLOW OF URINE The penis contains a narrow hose called the urethra that is attached to the bladder. As the urine level approaches the bladder’s maximum capacity line, you get the urge to pull over. When released, urine is flushed through the urethra, out the tip of the penis and, according to most women, usually on to the floor next to the toilet. Acting as a regulator for this process is the Pubococcygeal (PC) muscle. This is what you flex to stop urine flow or rid yourself of those last few drops. (It can also serve as an orgasm regulator. See Troubleshooting" later in this document.)

  2. BECOME RIGID ENOUGH TO ALLOW PENETRATION DURING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE Your penis is equipped with twin hydraulic chambers. During sexual stimulation, these fill with blood until the penis grows firm and erect. After stimulation ends or there’s ejaculation, blood leaves these chambers and the penis softens again. There is usually a recovery or "refractory" period ranging from a few minutes to a full day (depending on the equipment’s age) before another erection can occur. About half of the penis is hidden inside the body, even when erect. It is fastened to the pelvis undercarriage for support.

    CAUTION! Any impact to the area where the penis attaches to the pelvis can disrupt its hydraulic function.

  3. DEPOSIT SEMEN WITHIN THE VAGINA DURING EJACULATION Sperm is manufactured inside the testicles, those two ball joints below the drive shaft. From here, it passes into a soft, fibrous organ behind each testicle called the epididymis, where it acquires the long tail necessary for swimming. Sperm then enters the Vas Deferens for storage. This thin hose loops around and splices into the urethra just below the bladder. When it’s time to shift into sexual high gear, sperm is mixed with liquid from the prostate gland and adjoining seminal vesicles. The resulting transmission fluid, called semen, gathers in a holding tank, which gradually swells to pinch the bladder shut and prevent urine from trickling in. Finally the semen is expelled from the body via the urethra by a series of muscular contractions.

Categories: Health and wellness
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